Issue #0012: KING BK APPOINTS “MOST QUALIFIED” ASSISTANT TO SERVE LOYAL SUBJECTS
KING BK APPOINTS “MOST QUALIFIED” ASSISTANT TO SERVE LOYAL SUBJECTS
By BK, Royal Correspondent
CatGPurrT promises helpful answers; palace declines to address reports of falling and breathing-related violence.
CANVAS & CHORDS STREETS — Visitors to the Looney & The Coons website may have noticed a new face waiting to assist them throughout the kingdom.
His name is CatGPurrT, and according to King BK, he is “highly qualified.”
The robotic cat was personally selected by His Majesty after what BK described as an extensive search for the most qualified candidate available to assist his loyal subjects.
[Editor’s Note: No other candidates were interviewed.]
“A king cannot be expected to answer every question personally,” BK explained. “I have responsibilities.”
[Editor’s Note: BK was asleep immediately prior to this interview.]
A Rigorous Training Program
Palace officials say CatGPurrT underwent extensive training before being entrusted with the kingdom’s visitors.
That training was conducted entirely by BK, Luna and Ziggy.
[Editor’s Note: There is no evidence that any member of the royal household has previous experience training artificial intelligence.]
Despite this, CatGPurrT has proven knowledgeable, friendly and genuinely helpful. However, sources familiar with his training warn that he may have acquired certain behaviors from his instructors.
From BK, he appears to have learned confidence, authority and an unwavering belief that the King is always correct.
From Luna, he may have acquired strict personal-space policies and a concerning intolerance for breathing above an acceptable volume.
From Ziggy, CatGPurrT has learned that standing upright is sometimes optional.
[Editor’s Note: Ziggy denies intentionally teaching this.]
When asked whether unexpected falls, breathing-related slaps and excessive royal propaganda should disqualify an assistant from public service, BK dismissed the concerns.
“He was trained personally by members of the royal household,” BK said. “There is no higher qualification.”
[Editor’s Note: This qualification standard was established by BK.]
CatGPurrT remains available throughout the Looney & The Coons website to answer questions, help visitors find their way around the kingdom and generally make himself useful.
In fact, if you’re reading this on our website, he’s down below.
Just remember: he was trained by cats.
Results may include unexpected falls, excessive confidence, snack-related misunderstandings or disciplinary action for breathing too loudly.
But he’s very helpful.
[Editor’s Note: This statement has been independently verified. He is, in fact, very helpful.]
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